Keep your Distance
by Purple-Martin111
Summary: Charlie had been so focused on not allowing herself to become attached that it hadn't occurred to her that maybe Danse had been fighting the same feelings.


_**A/N:**_ _When I originally wrote this, the first chapter was vaguely written. There were no names given and no specific references to the Fallout universe. It was written as a reaction to real life events and I wanted to shine a light on the ugly side of abuse. I wanted it to be relatable not just within Fallout and I wasn't planning on continuing. As you can see, things got away from me so I went back to rewrite this first chapter and give it context within the story as a whole._

 _Please be advised... This story is not exactly of the pleasant variety. Parts of it are rough and there is a lot of hardship. Some parts are lighter than others, but for the most part, it's pretty heavy. It's gonna be a bumpy ride but it will be worth it in the end. Examines an alternate ending for the BoS quest line._

 _Danse's character is what drew me into this fandom. I read for Danse, write for Danse and i_ _n canon, Danse never gets redemption. I seek to fill in the holes and give him the closure he deserves._

 ** _Warnings_** _for suicidal thoughts, rape/non-con, strong language, violence, sexual content, it's rated M for a reason._

* * *

"Are you angry?" In the aftermath of her confession, Jackie couldn't bear to look at him. Twisting and churning, her gut was in knots, this place held enough heartache but she couldn't keep this from him.

"I don't know," Danse admitted, gaze fixed upon the ceiling. Even from her peripherals, she could see the pensive expression that hijacked his features.

He had barely acknowledged her presence, until she slinked over and slid down the concrete wall to nestle beside him. Jackie thought he had been making progress, healing even, but it seemed he hadn't fared well in her absence. It broke her heart when she had arrived, to see Danse had hardly moved since her previous visit. His back propped against the wall, he sat hiding in the dark, with his head in his hands. Since she had stepped into this place, condemned to be his personal prison, he hadn't made eye contact with her.

After Danse had been cruelly robbed of all that defined him, including his humanity, Jackie had spent weeks with him. Weeks helping him figure out what it meant to be alive and live without the Brotherhood and most importantly, understand that even though he was a synth, he was still a person of value. He was still a good man.

The days following the incident had been wrought with endless silence that threatened to consume Danse in the black hole of meaningless existence. Until one night Jackie awoke to the sounds of silent weeping. Danse sat on the edge of his bed, propped up with his face buried in his hands. Even through the darkness Jackie could see the unsteady rise and fall of his shoulders, hear his stuttering breath as he attempted to smother his sobbing.

Jackie had gone simply to sit beside him, offering quiet comfort with her presence. After a while he had looked at her, hopeless and broken, and finally admitted that he didn't know what the hell he was doing anymore. She had contended that maybe it was ok not to have a plan and promised that whatever life threw at them, she would be there for him.

 _You watch my back, I'll watch yours_ , she had reminded him.

When she had stood to go back to her bunk, Danse caught her arm and tugged her towards him. Pulled her into his arms with such force that they toppled over onto the mattress. When his trembling subsided, Jackie gently held Danse's face as he told her he would be lost without her.

During the weeks after, she had taken him to the nearby settlements and put him to work fortifying their defenses and training the residents how properly to defend themselves. Little by little, Danse had been reclaiming the humanity that had been stolen from him and finding purpose in his life once more.

With the passing of time, Jackie had laid the Brotherhood to rest and decided she wasn't going back. The days had turned to weeks and before long nearly two months had passed. Backed by the setting sun in early May, a vertibird and a familiar face, clad in ridiculous aviators and enough smug arrogance to sail the Prydwen to the moon, had showed up at the bunker under orders to bring Jackie back. She assured Danse that she wouldn't be long; show face, go along with the pomp and circumstance, and promptly hand in her resignation. A few days, maybe a week, she promised.

Now Jackie couldn't stand to look at him because she had she had failed him. Abandoned him in this miserable bunker because her hand had been forced - the burden weighing heavy on her heart.

Finally Danse looked at her but still she refused to meet his gaze for she feared what he would discover from deep within. Under it all, she was terrified and ashamed. Maxson had broken her. Played to her weaknesses and sliced along her vulnerable underbelly threatening to make her bleed by destroying the man who she would sacrifice anything to protect.

Danse's eyes immediately focused on the discoloration of her neck that her jacket didn't quite hide. Her hair was swept aside and he tugged at the collar of her shirt to see the extent of the blue and purple splotches that stained her shoulder and chest. She had waited a few days in hopes that they would fade but like a tattoo, they were branded on her skin. His fingers ran along the markings and she winced at his touch. Shameful proof of her violation.

"Did he hurt you?" Danse's voice betrayed nothing except the clinical calmness of a bedside examination.

Jackie shrugged away, an abstract smudge of dirt on the floor the focus of her attention. Try as she might though, his voice confirmed what she didn't want to admit. This had happened. It was real.

There was no escaping what she'd done. The admission hurt like hell and no amount of attempting to push down the shame could keep the tears from streaking down her cheeks, "Just my pride."

With a sigh, Danse went to catch her tears, "You shouldn't-"

"Everything has a price," she pawed his hands way. "I threatened him, shoved my gun in his face, backed him into a corner… Did you really think Maxson wouldn't make me pay for my actions?"

"This…" he shook his head, hands retreating to his side, "the price was too high. I…it wasn't worth it." At least he had the decency to catch himself and not defile her by saying _he_ wasn't worth it.

"Don't!" This time she did look at him. Her head snapped around and she could feel the flush of indignation on her skin. Tears dripped uninhibited from her eyes. Let him see her heartache. "Don't you _dare_ patronize me by devaluing my decision to fight for you! I made my choice and so did you. We made this bed together. Now we have to lie in it."

It was his turn to look away and hide. To cower in his corner. Slip into himself where no one could reach him.

"You aren't the only one who lost something here," she wrapped her arms around her ribs, holding herself and staring at her knees. "If you care about me - even in the slightest - you won't let my sacrifices be in vain."

"I'm not ok with this." It was mumbled, like his words actually meant something. As if he could put action behind what he said.

She shifted and drew up her knees to press her forehead into the knobby join of her legs, "And you think I am?"

The question went unanswered but she didn't have it in her to press the issue. Instead, she let the tears continue to track down her face and run along her thighs before plummeting to the floor.

Fragmented pieces of her former self splintered in her chest, the jagged edges scraping and tearing at her with each squeeze of her heart. Who was this woman she had become? On the outside, she looked much the same but an ugliness consumed her. A disease that festered within and ruined everything it touched. Her insides were boiled and black. She had become infected by the sickness of this godforsaken world. And to think she now called it her home.

This place where the wicked and the damned reaped the fruitful rewards of their lawlessness. They sat high and mighty upon their spoils of war, taking the desires of their flesh, without care for who they trampled in their merciless, single-minded path to obtain it.

A world where innocence and humility were violations of the human condition because here you were conditioned not to think, not to feel. Because independent thought and emotions would get you killed or left for dead in a ditch. The idea that it was ok to desecrate the body and take the life of another simply because they looked at you wrong was commonplace here. It was disgusting and vile and somehow Jackie had found herself surviving, even thriving in this new world. It was ruining her, bending and molding her, and desensitizing her to forsake her humanity. What scared her the most, though was the thought that maybe she was ok with that.

What did Danse think of her now? It was impossible now for her to rise to meet his expectations. She was damaged. Not worthy of his compassion.

' _I'm not ok with this.'_

Could he forgive her for her transgressions? Would he leave her? Could she live with herself if he did?

Selfish. She was such a selfish woman. This had all been about what _she_ wanted. He deserved better.

Jackie dared to turn her face toward him, to steal a coveted glance at the man she had sacrificed everything for - everything including herself. She had laid out all her cards on the table and in the face of victory, she still lost. Now she had to live with her choices, live with herself, as did he. Danse was entitled to so much more than she had to give. It wasn't fair to either of them.

"I just thought you deserved to know the truth." It was a meager excuse and she wasn't worthy of staying here any longer, "I should go." Though she made no attempt to leave.

Danse sat much the same as her: hunched over, elbows resting on his knees, and fingers knotted in his hair. Still, she saw the twitch of his lips and tensing of his jaw as his eyes squeezed shut, and she knew.

"You're angry." The statement hung in the air but he remained unmoved. Unflinching. Unyielding.

The impact of what she had done was finally beginning to settle in. He was angry. She would not be forgiven. Why? Why would he forgive her? Why on earth would she even entertain the idea that he would? The trap had been set and she had foolishly walked straight into it. Now she would lie with the devil, sign his pact, and give away her soul. All in the name of honor and glory. All to save his own soul.

"I don't belong here. I don't…" she turned away and held herself closer, trying to fall deeper into the cavern of guilt that consumed her, "...you deserve so much better."

Before the fresh tears could even form, Danse tugged at her arm and his fingers closing around her chin. He jerked her face toward him, forcing their eyes to meet. There was determination in his muddy browns, a fierceness she hadn't seen in quite some time.

"I'm only angry at myself," he held her gaze, searching her eyes to make sure his message was received, "that I couldn't protect you from this." He was gentler now. Releasing her chin to press his hand against her cheek.

Jackie gravitated toward his touch and closed her eyes as she leaned into his warmth. A beacon of hope that all was not lost.

"Look at me." Both of his hands cradled her face and reluctantly she opened her eyes, "This isn't your fault." The fierceness in his eyes now turned to something more sinister, "I'll burn down the entire Commonwealth if he lays a hand on you again."

She almost had the decency to smile at his conviction, but she was reminded, "You don't have the luxury of making that promise."

The determination that was present before quickly faded. In the seconds it took for Danse's expression to shift, she could see the desolation of defeat hover across his brow before he could erect the facade.

"I will find a way to make this right." Again his words held no value, but maybe she could pretend they did. Maybe it would ease the raw and achy feeling.

For a moment nothing happened. Neither of them moved or even breathed. They sat in an eternity of silence and Jackie allowed herself to drown in the warm pools of his brown eyes. Perhaps if she lingered there his empty promises would chase away the devastating reality that she had failed.

Danse shuffled and slipped his arms around her shoulders. There was the briefest hesitation. A resistance where Jackie contemplated if she would let this happen. It didn't take her long to arrive at her conclusion. She would allow it.

In a single movement, he pulled her to him and folded her into his embrace. Jackie shifted her weight, curling up into him and relaxing against his chest only to feel the slightest tremble within his own body. It was too much to bear so she clung to him and wept in his arms because there were no words to ease their pain.

"I'm sorry," he muttered after a while and loosened his hold on her to run his thumbs across her cheeks.

"Yeah," she didn't doubt him but she also wasn't blind to fact that he didn't control their fates anymore, "me too."

There were choices to be made and she sowed her seeds, chose her path. She didn't regret what she had done; she would do it again without hesitation. In the end, there was a price to be paid for her transgressions and it just might cost her own life.

* * *

 _ **A/N:**_ _A huge thank you to MaxRev for helping with the edits!_

 _I love me some Danse but I'm not ok with the BoS plotline and apparently I have some hate festering._

 _Anyway, thanks for the read!_

 _I guess I should explain that I gave Jackie a little bit of a different backstory. Both she and Nate were in the military._


End file.
